Choosing a Dog Breed

List of dog breed: Ah, the humble dog. Furry bearer of unconditional love, affection, companionship - and a rocket-powered babe magnet to boot. You can almost see your new dog right now . . . running in the sun, chasing Frisbees, doing adorable tricks, puking on the rug at 3 a.m., chewing up your entire porno collection, shedding on everything in sight . . . Still want a dog? Then step right up, you've come to the right place.
Make Sure Your Ready: Here's the dog-owner's mantra: A dog is a living thing. A dog is a living thing. A dog is a living thing. If you want a dog because you think it'll look great in that new jeep you just bought at 15% interest, think how much fun it will be when it tears up the leather upholstery so thoroughly that even the repo man is impressed.This isn't like buying a new pair of shoes. It's closer to having a child. A child that doesn't speak English and occasionally eats poop. If that thought sends you screaming from the room, consider another kind of pet instead, like maybe a fish or a plant or a pair of shoes. Repeat the mantra a few more times. A dog is a living thing. A dog is a living thing. A dog is a living thing. If you work from 8 am to 10 pm six days a week, you're going to have a lonely, unhappy dog on your hands. And how do dogs show their unhappiness? In the absence of being able to say, "Pay attention to me, Poindexter," they'll do things like pee on your high school yearbook or methodically eat all your CDs. This isn't their fault. All together now - a dog is a living thing, a dog is a living thing, a dog is a living thing. You should always take all the time you need choosing a dog breed because you are picking a new family member.

Here's a little "pup quiz" (the puns never stop!) that will help determine if you are ready to add one more member to the family. Answer "yes" or "no" to the following questions:

  • Do you like dogs?
  • Does the health of your household allow for a pet dog? (allergies, etc)
  • Does your building allow dogs?
  • Are you financially secure?
  • Are you OK with picking up dog poop, mopping up dog pee, or cleaning up dog vomit?

If you answered "no" to any of these, then you're probably not ready to become a dog owner. That's OK though . . . you're still allowed to like them. Getting a pet dog is really a Zen process of self-discovery. You can't know the right dog for you until you know yourself. For example, a jock would prefer an active dog. A lazy slug would prefer a dog that doesn't require much exercise. A touchy-feely person would prefer a friendly dog. A tightly-wound person would probably prefer a dog that doesn't bark or shed too much. Think of picking a pup like choosing a mate; you have to find one that compliments your personality. These are some very general guidelines. Of course, we won't list every dog breed on the planet, but they'll get you thinking in the right direction:

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